We met with the surgeon on November 8. The news was and is not good. Chris' cancer is terminal. Even as I type those words, they seem to be unreal. I can't get my head around this. At the same time, I am often overwhelmed by such incredible sadness. We will rally and keep our ridiculous senses of humour and get the most out of the time left (18 months to 3 years). Because of Chris' other health issues, surgical resection of the liver wasn't possible. Not only the health issues, but within the span of six months, not one, not two, but four lesions appeared in his liver. Two in the right lobe, two in the left. As the liver is a regenerative organ, trying to keep up is going to be difficult. But Chris has opted for palliative chemotherapy (keeping the cancer growing at a slower rate); the other option was doing nothing at all, which would have resulted in a life span of 12 to 18 months. Now we await our first appointment with the oncologist on November 27th. Thank goodness we have things to distract us until then. Callie and her family are coming to visit on the 25th, staying overnight, and then Lucy and Olly will arrive on the next Friday for the weekend. Of course, by then we will have seen the oncologist. Hopefully, the chemo will also provide some pain relief. Chris is in a great deal of discomfort right now. The liver is swollen and causing pain across his upper abdomen. Our GP has prescribed Oramorph and codeine. Chris tried putting off taking these heavier duty painkillers, but has had to introduce them into his daily schedule - such is the pain he is experiencing.
Chris has made it very clear that he wants to spend the time left enjoying his life. He wants to fill his days with love and laughter, and I will do the best I can, but I have moments of sheer emotional agony. My insomnia seems to be better, but I think it because my mind is working overtime, more than usual, and I am exhausted by the end of the day. On Tuesday, I saw the CBT counselor. She stated this was going to be a very difficult time and there is no easy to deal with it. I knew that before she told me. I have good days and bad, just as Chris has. And our family is being so wonderful. Callie made the decision to be frank with Catherine and Catherine's first reaction was to voice sadness that Alice won't have clear memories of Abba. Dear, sweet child. This is going to be so difficult for her. She loves her Abba so much. Hell, we all love him so much. How can this be happening?
I have been retreating into my studio to spend time creating, with Chris' encouragement. It brings me distraction and a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. We are going to work on streamlining the studio more so a bed can fit into the room, in case we need more sleeping space for family. It is going to be a challenge, but we will get it down to taking up a manageable amount of space.
That's our news. I am still looking for the silver lining, but it is eluding me at this point. Not sure I will find it, to be honest. Chris is my husband, my best friend, my soul mate - I can't imagine living without him. This is going to be so hard...